Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
iPhone X
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea