18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
no!! no!!!!!!
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Breaking news:
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**