Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
What?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
wow he looks just like him
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT