My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
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It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*