Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
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Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.