I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Things will get butter, keep churning