The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
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To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
me, after any kind of buffet.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks