I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
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So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Body by Oreos
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.