Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
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I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
i smell a pulitzer
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.