Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
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[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen