Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
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Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
the three branches of government
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.