Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
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All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
My dog doesn鈥檛 even understand what I鈥檓 doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 馃檨
*3.5 thank you very much.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My son texted me that he鈥檇 forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I鈥檇 email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don鈥檛 think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas鈥n my pants
Happy New Year鈥n my pants
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[scooby doo鈥檚 wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
#catsoftwitter
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her