My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
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when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?