“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
You Might Also Like
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?