SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
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I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking