I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.