I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
How I’d get arrested…
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving