Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
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The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Don’t forget to tip your server
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17