Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
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“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.