*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
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My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Perfection.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what