DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
You Might Also Like
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”