Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
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yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
(by @ZachWeiner )
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.