MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”