Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?