Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
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*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
huge if true: the moon
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard