Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
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What my back needs
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
“and how does that make you feel?”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I just ran a .003048K
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.