My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
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I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.