Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
live, laugh, laundry.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Oh boy, $150,000!
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!