gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
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[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.