If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
You Might Also Like
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.