A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
No Google it does not
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time