I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
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My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
everyone has that one prude friend
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.