Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
No chill.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out