Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Where is your GOD now????
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me too 😆
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.