Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
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nice challenge
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”