I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
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One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.