*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
You Might Also Like
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.