I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
You Might Also Like
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy