There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
You Might Also Like
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
this is literally a CIA plant
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I have never related to anyone more.