There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi