Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Watson was Holmes schooled
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”