That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
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I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Body by Oreos
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster