@DanteEvilCat

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

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@whereami18

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

@DaveMcNamee3000

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

@NikiWithIssues

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

@ch000ch

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

@The_Sculptress

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

@Smooheed

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

@malbecmami

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”