flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
You Might Also Like
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
This was a bad idea all around
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…