If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
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Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
The news in a nutshell.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet