My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
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culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.