We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
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Britain be like
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Cats are still liquid.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.