[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
You Might Also Like
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”