WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
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5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Strange
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.