My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I like crazy people until they notice me
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE