If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
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“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
This makes total sense…
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”