@SlimWines

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

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@alexqarbuckle

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

@ninjadinosaur1

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

@Whitnuts

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

@sami_stacks

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

@trishimal25

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

@murrman5

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

@paulablu22

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

@peachesanscream

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

@OakHill_

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet