Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
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Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
A Couples Retweet