Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat