Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Breaking news:
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*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.